Memories, in the corner of my mind!

I was cleaning out old files from my section of the file server at work and I found my first review. For the most part it was pretty normal review BS, but the last couple of questions at the end always throw me for a loop. "What are some personal talents or skills that you have?" and "Do you have any additional thoughts or comments that you would like to make?". Now these are perfectly reasonable and justifiable questions for any sociopathic middle manager to make on an employee review and expect to get answers from their vaguely intimidated employees.

I just couldn't do it.

So, I did what I always do: I made it into a joke.

1. I speak halting German, I sing as much as people around me can possibly stand, I burst into flames with the greatest of ease. I know how to put out most types of fires without panicking too much. I have won awards for ice carving and that is as much as I can think of.

2. I love my work. Beep.

Some day I am going to write the funniest review that anyone has ever read. I keep thinking of alternative answers:

Question 1:

• Speak Klingon fluently. KAPLAH!
• I could show you my talents, but then I'd have to kill you.
• If you promise not to level sexual harrasment charges at me like the last time. I'll show you skills that'll make your hair curl, big boy. All your hair.
  
• saying nothing and staring into the distance, the desk levitates 3 feet off the ground and bursts into flames
• 
  

Question 2:

• I am untroubled by any extraneous thoughts and the compulsion to speak has been completely eliminated since I started here.
• KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL
• I would enjoy these reviews more if you would wear the harness and had me wear one of those masks.
• I'm all out of crack. Can I smoke some of the primo stuff that you've been using