why am i so goddamned popular?
I started writing the book. Most of you have already heard alot of the stories, but since I can't find a job, I will make my fortune this way. Seven chapters later, I was about to start on the Hooker & ZayZay epic, but my phone started ringing again. Bitches. I told you to fuck off in two different languages. Shall we start again in Russian or shall I forgo the niceties and just break your arms?
For anyone in the dark, the following entry is an explanation on the above outburst.
We were supposed to have lunch. He came over with the food. He set down the bag and I began showing him around my house and making small talk. He lasted five minutes. He looked at me, his lip was quivering and he had a desperate and deranged look in his eyes. “Do you want to be my girlfriend?” “What? I don’t know.” “Do you want to be my girlfriend, I like you very much.” “Well, you’re nice and all, but I don’t really know you all that well and maybe we could ju-“ and then he lunged at me. He started kissing me, and I went along with it for a few seconds, as I had to process what was happening. His hands went to my butt, I moved them and pushed him away. He grabbed me again, resumed kissing and his hands went up my shirt. I pushed him off and asked what the hell he thought he was doing. He told me how beautiful I was while taking off his own shirt. He tried to get into my bra and pants this time. I pushed him off and told him that this wasn’t what I had expected when I invited him over. He said it was ok because he really liked me, as he took off his pants. He pulled me onto the couch and layed on top of me, while attempting to go about his business, all the while telling me how much he loved me and how hot I was. I kicked him off and told him he was never allowed back in my house again. He jumped up and began apologizing profusely while pulling his pants back on. I was sitting on the couch staring at him in disbelief, when he walked up to me, his groin aimed at my face. “Please, honey, you make me so hot.” “Well that’s your own fault.” I said. I moved my hands toward his fly, he got all excited thinking that this was it, I merely zipped him up and told him to leave. Disappointment crossed his face. He pulled me up and then sat down on the couch, pulling me on top of him. He opened his pants again and kept trying to push my head down. When I protested, he asked why this was such a big deal, he watches pornography and the American women always beg for more. They love sex more than anyone. Sarcastically, I said that’s because they get paid for it. He then asked how much I wanted; $10, $20? It would start at at least $1000, you fuck, now get out. “$1000?” he asked, “nobody’s worth that, what are you talking about? Now come here, my love.” I told him to get out because I had to go to sleep. Oddly, that seemed to work. He told me he would see me later, and went out the door. He called me three times the next day, as I was trying to go to sleep. I wrote him a text message saying what he did wrong, why it was bad, and not to call me again. He immediately called back, which I ignored. He texted back about how very sorry he was, but it’s because he really likes me. I told him he had ruined his chances and to never call me again. He immediately called back. I wrote back asking if he couldn’t read Spanish. He wrote back asking me to please please answer the phone. I told him I was going to sleep, quit fucking calling me. After laying in bed for awhile, I finally had to turn off the phone. I had 16 voice messages when I woke up. Andy offered to break his arms for me, but then realized that crippling an employee would hinder productivity. I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep. On a lighter note, I got a burrito out of it.
For anyone in the dark, the following entry is an explanation on the above outburst.
We were supposed to have lunch. He came over with the food. He set down the bag and I began showing him around my house and making small talk. He lasted five minutes. He looked at me, his lip was quivering and he had a desperate and deranged look in his eyes. “Do you want to be my girlfriend?” “What? I don’t know.” “Do you want to be my girlfriend, I like you very much.” “Well, you’re nice and all, but I don’t really know you all that well and maybe we could ju-“ and then he lunged at me. He started kissing me, and I went along with it for a few seconds, as I had to process what was happening. His hands went to my butt, I moved them and pushed him away. He grabbed me again, resumed kissing and his hands went up my shirt. I pushed him off and asked what the hell he thought he was doing. He told me how beautiful I was while taking off his own shirt. He tried to get into my bra and pants this time. I pushed him off and told him that this wasn’t what I had expected when I invited him over. He said it was ok because he really liked me, as he took off his pants. He pulled me onto the couch and layed on top of me, while attempting to go about his business, all the while telling me how much he loved me and how hot I was. I kicked him off and told him he was never allowed back in my house again. He jumped up and began apologizing profusely while pulling his pants back on. I was sitting on the couch staring at him in disbelief, when he walked up to me, his groin aimed at my face. “Please, honey, you make me so hot.” “Well that’s your own fault.” I said. I moved my hands toward his fly, he got all excited thinking that this was it, I merely zipped him up and told him to leave. Disappointment crossed his face. He pulled me up and then sat down on the couch, pulling me on top of him. He opened his pants again and kept trying to push my head down. When I protested, he asked why this was such a big deal, he watches pornography and the American women always beg for more. They love sex more than anyone. Sarcastically, I said that’s because they get paid for it. He then asked how much I wanted; $10, $20? It would start at at least $1000, you fuck, now get out. “$1000?” he asked, “nobody’s worth that, what are you talking about? Now come here, my love.” I told him to get out because I had to go to sleep. Oddly, that seemed to work. He told me he would see me later, and went out the door. He called me three times the next day, as I was trying to go to sleep. I wrote him a text message saying what he did wrong, why it was bad, and not to call me again. He immediately called back, which I ignored. He texted back about how very sorry he was, but it’s because he really likes me. I told him he had ruined his chances and to never call me again. He immediately called back. I wrote back asking if he couldn’t read Spanish. He wrote back asking me to please please answer the phone. I told him I was going to sleep, quit fucking calling me. After laying in bed for awhile, I finally had to turn off the phone. I had 16 voice messages when I woke up. Andy offered to break his arms for me, but then realized that crippling an employee would hinder productivity. I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep. On a lighter note, I got a burrito out of it.
posted by Chemska at 6:35 PM
5 Comments:
Oh my god honey! Instead of zipping up his pants you should have grabbed and twisted his dick, walked him out of the apartment and thrown him out on the street that way. You need to get out of that job. That's just fucking rediculous. And shit on productivity have Andy break his arms you can get a new guy the next day anyway and who knows when the INS is going to bust his ass anyway?
Okay, I'd also like to add that for future hanging out material that if they are from your work DON'T HANG OUT WITH THEM. And if they are from your work and English is NOT their first language, now I really mean this, DON'T HANG OUT WITH THEM. You and I both know that this culture difference isn't going to change anytime soon.
Yeah, I've really got to start getting out more and meeting nice American people. On the bright side, this has gotten rid of my social anxiety for the white boys, they know about "our ways".
Well good. And I think that's more valuble than a burrito anyday. :)
My Andrew would happily break his arms as well!
And in my opinion, this has nothing to do with his nationality. He's a fucking moron.
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