So why did you quit?

Okay, I overheard this at the coffee house the other day so...whatever. But there were these two women talking about finding jobs and how hard it was. They both had left jobs for greener pastures however and were discussing pros and cons of going back to old jobs that would welcome them back. The biggest factor for going back was the shame of having to come back in the first place. Anyway one girl worked at a local porn shop, she was talking about how it wasn't that bad and had decent benifits and a comission ON TOP of the hourly 7.50 pay. Maybe I'm just unawares of these things. Anyhow she was saying the worst would have to go back and listen to the cracks the regulars would make, but she was never going back. Why? Because she found a dead body in one of the jack off booths. Admittently the poor sucker probably had a heart attack with his stiffy, but still...

So I was in DC...

for the Federal Documents Librarian's Conference and I got to tour around the city a bit. First off I was slightly disappointed with the conference, I'm sure they have comment cards somewhere and I should fill one out. Anyway, it was alright. I went to a gentleman's presentation of his collection of data which he then used a I quote "secret formula" of asterisks and true false questions to arrive at his conclusion, okay...hmm. Anyway and then there was a presentation on "Security Issues After 9/11", which I feel the need to point out that that topic is sooo passe. Turns out that only one of the presenters had a good case for security she worked at a military library. Fine, the rest were academic librarians who thought the public were dirty and didn't want to have to give them access. They basically wanted total control over their behavior or to drop their federal depository status so they didn't have to let the public in the first place. Now, WHY FOR FUCKS SAKE DID YOU BECOME A LIBRARIAN IN THE FIRST PLACE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO PROVIDE ACCESS!?!?!?! Jesus H. Christ on a Bicycle! What the hell!?!

Okay there were some good presentations, I enjoyed the one on blogging. Though some people were like blogs suck get a wiki. But whatever, there were also interesting presentations on the congressional serial set and future web harvesting projects... Ha! I just saw your eyes glaze over!

Anyway, I also toured a little of DC, who's new motto should be "Welcome to DC, please step away." I mean you know they always wanted to, but now our capital treats every citizen like a suspect and groups of them like cattle. You need a ticket to enter the capital, you have to enter through the servant's entrance at the capital, library of congress and national archives. It's just disgusting. Any while I'm sure it sucks to be a local at the peak of tourist season, the only thing I can say is just lobby for them to move all the tourist sights somewhere else then. I mean do you really think any member of congress even sets foot in any of the Smithsonian buildings? And I bet they wouldn't know art if it Van Gogh smacked them upside the head with an ear.

On the lighter side here is a pidgin with a mini-camera:



If you do go to Washington though, I highly recommend the National Portrait Gallery. Their Civil War exhibit is really neat as is all the other pieces. AND, they have the NICEST staff, the guards said hello, they guy in the gift shop was friendly and the guards who search your bags are nice too (everyone else is really surly). Which I'm sure has something with it to do with the building not being on the Mall so they don't see as many idiots. Hey, I understand how it works the more people you meet the more assholes/idiots you run in to. But, yeah, I really liked the Portrait Gallery...AND you get to enter through the front door!

It's been a while

But here is the latest juicy stuff that has caught my fancy:

From the man who writes Too Much Coffee Man: New Names for Terrorists
Including my fave: Brownishly flammable explodo-facists

Why the bird flu makes a perfect news story.

Quote: Read over your compositions, and wherever you meet with a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.
- Samuel Johnson

Office Mayhem pamphlet that you put into business reply envelopes and send back to junk mail companies.

How to be happy.

Best Craigslist personal ad ever: Math+Business=Hot

From The Zen of Costco:
" Allow yourself to enjoy the beauty of the flowers. They are temporary.

Pick a checkout line. It doesn't matter which one. This is an opportunity to practice patience. Be friendly to the cashier. Allow the noises and shapes to soften. It is peaceful.

Next, allow your body and brain to come back slowly to the real world as you face the geometry problem of loading up a 2-seater convertible with all your purchases. Will the toilet paper fit in the front seat? Spatial awareness is important. This exercise will prepare you for re-entry. "

From I Hate You, Fully Automated Bathroom:
"Auto-flush toilets, I despise you. I hate the way you begin flushing as soon as I stand up. I hate the way you won't let me get in a courtesy flush should I be recovering from a night of Indian food. Most of all, I hate the way you flush so violently that you spray little droplets of water of dubious cleanliness all over the stall, forcing me to press myself against the farthest corner, pants still around my ankles, and you, like a rogue Catholic priest, spray holy sewer water on my freshly painted toenails and lovely new Nordstrom open-toed high heels."

Box of Broken Dreams

"For me, this box contains only failure. At first, it represented my highest ideals: I would not be a slave to our disposable consumer culture. Rather than rush out at the first sign of trouble to buy a new espresso machine/waffle maker/toaster/etc., thereby overflowing our landfills and furthering the expansion of the corporate empire, I would repair and reuse. I set my broken items aside for someday, that beautiful someday, when I would get around to fixing them and drink my espresso with the smug satisfaction of knowing I was morally superior to those around me.

The problem is, I'm not handy. "

One big box of Crickets=A whole lot of trouble on the subway.

For sale: Please buy my crap.

"It's really not that much of a piece of crap. In fact, at thirty dollars, it's the best bike on this site. You can't hardly get a seat post for thirty dollars on CL, cause they're all made out of magic and will turn your fixed gear into a weightless rocket sled that gives head and has cruise control.
"

From The Nonist:

My favorite Stalin anecdote:
"One nasty morning Comrade Stalin discovered that his favorite pipe was missing. Naturally, he called in his henchman, Lavrenti Beria, and instructed him to find the pipe. A few hours later, Stalin found it in his desk and called off the search. “But, Comrade Stalin,” stammered Beria, “five suspects have already confessed to stealing it.” Torture’s Long Shadow an old Washington Post article by Vladimir Bukovsky, who spent nearly 12 years in Soviet prisons, labor camps and psychiatric hospitals for nonviolent human rights activities."

Oh, and about your imaginary kids, Wendy over at Pound has got you beat with SEVEN IMAGINARY HOMESCHOOLED CHILDREN!

Next time I'll post some media links. YAY!

For the Sake of illustration

I have adopted an imaginary five year old child for the sake of illustration. She says the darndest things. Yesterday as a friend and I were walking to the gym I was telling her what my five year old said at breakfast: "Mom, I want to spread exotic venereal diseases, be ostracized from society and get repeatedly beat up by my johns. Mom, I want to be a prostitute!" I told her we'll talk about options after breakfast. And as we walked into the gym lobby I state in my normal "romi voice" "Well, I could get stoned to death for adultery!" OMG I swear everyone in that room gave themselves whiplash. It was fabulous. What was the purpose of any of that? Hell if I know, but it was fun.

Actually I was telling my friend about this sermon I went to on Sunday and how the pastor was saying Corinth was wicked because there were prostitutes and homosexuals. So my five year old was illustrating how it's NOT social factors that determines the existence of prostitutes but un-biased, evil personal choice. Some five year olds want to be a doctor, mine wants to be a prostitute. Yep. Next thing you know my fourteen year old will be telling me he's been converted to homosexuality by the use of "gaydar" and "gayzers" in order to fufill the "homosexual agenda" of something or another. I think the "homosexual agenda" actually has something to do with gaining "respect" or something silly like that, maybe it's "health care for loved ones". God knows I think that's evil.

I never knew having children could be so much fun.

Yes...busy

Things have been totally nuts. Erin left for a job at the PCA, so I have a good chunk of her workload in addition to my regular amount. So I'm working on energy issues again with my old boss. Somewhat tense...

The Druid has been working constantly to prepare for Pagan Pride Fest, which is this weekend. He's building a scale model of the roundhouse he wants to build in the backyard...which has been going slowly because we need to get the OK on safety from Joel the Engineer.

Also we're remodelling the kitchen, which has me stuck on installing the faucet, which turns out to be the brain surgery of home repairs. Did I mention we're also working on teh bathroom remodel!?!

AGGHH!

Well, though it would be fun, take it from somebody who has had a mutiple of work romances. When it ends, some brag loudly, some won't stop calling, and some become an irritating on the job nuisance. But if we're talking an Americanized married player, it will be emotionless fucking that might hurt if you start to like him. But if its fun, do it, nobody's gonna live your life for you.

We Must Be Busy

Just wanted to write something since the last post was back on Sept. 21st by Romi. How's everyone doing? I have finallized the breakup and am officially single again. Which means going back on the prowl. Should I start a torrid sexual affair with a married man at my work? No response necessary. I've been deprived.
Also, I don't think I like this new boot fashion craze. Chemska has a cute pair. But other than that, I'm not crazy about "the look". Just an opinion. It's kinda the same feeling I had about the stiletto w/ extra pointy-elongated-toe/ boot-cut blue jeans look.
Finally, I've decided that having children is bad. They take hostages, and shoot them. Even in Amish Communities. Children are terrible and I don't like them, Sam I Am. Also, just satire.
Can you tell my jokes have not been well received lately?