It's been a while
But here is the latest juicy stuff that has caught my fancy:
From the man who writes Too Much Coffee Man: New Names for Terrorists
Including my fave: Brownishly flammable explodo-facists
Why the bird flu makes a perfect news story.
Quote: Read over your compositions, and wherever you meet with a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.
- Samuel Johnson
Office Mayhem pamphlet that you put into business reply envelopes and send back to junk mail companies.
How to be happy.
Best Craigslist personal ad ever: Math+Business=Hot
From The Zen of Costco:
" Allow yourself to enjoy the beauty of the flowers. They are temporary.
Pick a checkout line. It doesn't matter which one. This is an opportunity to practice patience. Be friendly to the cashier. Allow the noises and shapes to soften. It is peaceful.
Next, allow your body and brain to come back slowly to the real world as you face the geometry problem of loading up a 2-seater convertible with all your purchases. Will the toilet paper fit in the front seat? Spatial awareness is important. This exercise will prepare you for re-entry. "
From I Hate You, Fully Automated Bathroom:
"Auto-flush toilets, I despise you. I hate the way you begin flushing as soon as I stand up. I hate the way you won't let me get in a courtesy flush should I be recovering from a night of Indian food. Most of all, I hate the way you flush so violently that you spray little droplets of water of dubious cleanliness all over the stall, forcing me to press myself against the farthest corner, pants still around my ankles, and you, like a rogue Catholic priest, spray holy sewer water on my freshly painted toenails and lovely new Nordstrom open-toed high heels."
Box of Broken Dreams
"For me, this box contains only failure. At first, it represented my highest ideals: I would not be a slave to our disposable consumer culture. Rather than rush out at the first sign of trouble to buy a new espresso machine/waffle maker/toaster/etc., thereby overflowing our landfills and furthering the expansion of the corporate empire, I would repair and reuse. I set my broken items aside for someday, that beautiful someday, when I would get around to fixing them and drink my espresso with the smug satisfaction of knowing I was morally superior to those around me.
The problem is, I'm not handy. "
One big box of Crickets=A whole lot of trouble on the subway.
For sale: Please buy my crap.
"It's really not that much of a piece of crap. In fact, at thirty dollars, it's the best bike on this site. You can't hardly get a seat post for thirty dollars on CL, cause they're all made out of magic and will turn your fixed gear into a weightless rocket sled that gives head and has cruise control.
"
From The Nonist:
My favorite Stalin anecdote:
"One nasty morning Comrade Stalin discovered that his favorite pipe was missing. Naturally, he called in his henchman, Lavrenti Beria, and instructed him to find the pipe. A few hours later, Stalin found it in his desk and called off the search. “But, Comrade Stalin,” stammered Beria, “five suspects have already confessed to stealing it.” Torture’s Long Shadow an old Washington Post article by Vladimir Bukovsky, who spent nearly 12 years in Soviet prisons, labor camps and psychiatric hospitals for nonviolent human rights activities."
Oh, and about your imaginary kids, Wendy over at Pound has got you beat with SEVEN IMAGINARY HOMESCHOOLED CHILDREN!
Next time I'll post some media links. YAY!
From the man who writes Too Much Coffee Man: New Names for Terrorists
Including my fave: Brownishly flammable explodo-facists
Why the bird flu makes a perfect news story.
Quote: Read over your compositions, and wherever you meet with a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.
- Samuel Johnson
Office Mayhem pamphlet that you put into business reply envelopes and send back to junk mail companies.
How to be happy.
Best Craigslist personal ad ever: Math+Business=Hot
From The Zen of Costco:
" Allow yourself to enjoy the beauty of the flowers. They are temporary.
Pick a checkout line. It doesn't matter which one. This is an opportunity to practice patience. Be friendly to the cashier. Allow the noises and shapes to soften. It is peaceful.
Next, allow your body and brain to come back slowly to the real world as you face the geometry problem of loading up a 2-seater convertible with all your purchases. Will the toilet paper fit in the front seat? Spatial awareness is important. This exercise will prepare you for re-entry. "
From I Hate You, Fully Automated Bathroom:
"Auto-flush toilets, I despise you. I hate the way you begin flushing as soon as I stand up. I hate the way you won't let me get in a courtesy flush should I be recovering from a night of Indian food. Most of all, I hate the way you flush so violently that you spray little droplets of water of dubious cleanliness all over the stall, forcing me to press myself against the farthest corner, pants still around my ankles, and you, like a rogue Catholic priest, spray holy sewer water on my freshly painted toenails and lovely new Nordstrom open-toed high heels."
Box of Broken Dreams
"For me, this box contains only failure. At first, it represented my highest ideals: I would not be a slave to our disposable consumer culture. Rather than rush out at the first sign of trouble to buy a new espresso machine/waffle maker/toaster/etc., thereby overflowing our landfills and furthering the expansion of the corporate empire, I would repair and reuse. I set my broken items aside for someday, that beautiful someday, when I would get around to fixing them and drink my espresso with the smug satisfaction of knowing I was morally superior to those around me.
The problem is, I'm not handy. "
One big box of Crickets=A whole lot of trouble on the subway.
For sale: Please buy my crap.
"It's really not that much of a piece of crap. In fact, at thirty dollars, it's the best bike on this site. You can't hardly get a seat post for thirty dollars on CL, cause they're all made out of magic and will turn your fixed gear into a weightless rocket sled that gives head and has cruise control.
"
From The Nonist:
My favorite Stalin anecdote:
"One nasty morning Comrade Stalin discovered that his favorite pipe was missing. Naturally, he called in his henchman, Lavrenti Beria, and instructed him to find the pipe. A few hours later, Stalin found it in his desk and called off the search. “But, Comrade Stalin,” stammered Beria, “five suspects have already confessed to stealing it.” Torture’s Long Shadow an old Washington Post article by Vladimir Bukovsky, who spent nearly 12 years in Soviet prisons, labor camps and psychiatric hospitals for nonviolent human rights activities."
Oh, and about your imaginary kids, Wendy over at Pound has got you beat with SEVEN IMAGINARY HOMESCHOOLED CHILDREN!
Next time I'll post some media links. YAY!
posted by Your_Host at 4:48 PM
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